


Wait

by drr67



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Character Death, Chronic Illness, Depressed Reiner Braun, Depression, Heavy Angst, Soft Reiner Braun, Terminal Illnesses
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-01-29
Packaged: 2021-03-15 07:20:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,065
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29060457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/drr67/pseuds/drr67
Summary: I lost my faith when I was youngI clenched my fist to bite my tongueI leave awake from all the things that I had doneCause there wouldn't be a thing when I moved on
Relationships: Reiner Braun/Reader
Kudos: 14





	Wait

When Reiner saw the familiar face being brought in, he couldn't really believe his eyes. You were captured, all gaunt and ashy. Uniforms that graced other soldiers in their new sleek black glory, just brought out the pitiful state of your body that contradicted life shining in those familiar orbs.

Despite everything that occurred when you saw him and recognized him only a smile reaching your bloodshot eyes was offered. He was filled with guilt and conflicting emotions. He knew you. 

Knowing you was an understatement, to be frank he didn't think of them being able to survive so far. Growing up together in the military, feeling even a little bit resentment at them to the daily at how much familiarity you shared with usually strict corporal, or how you stuck to the scientist at every given moment like a puppy tumbling after it's mother really made them stand out, not as a number one in skills, but definitely number one in likeability that stemmed from immaculate cynical humor that would sometimes go over his head. Annie used to like it a lot. 

He was reminiscent of how much you liked your horribly asocial horse and how much time you'd spend riding. Thoughts that crossed his mind is when you confided in him how your family raised horses and you could just tell a good horse when you saw one and you were right, you always could tell. Just not in humans, he mused.  
You were nothing alike the juvenile he knew back then, but to be fair neither was he. You thinned out and looked gaunt, skin dead and cheeks missing the rosiness. He wondered how did you push on this far. 

Your days at first were in the cell before you were to be questioned, no one was to interact with you by Zekes orders and it seemed that you were not overly bothered with it. Staff said you just asked about some fresh air, but without a response you would just display a light frown.

At the questioning after a week they first thought they were bluffing they had no informations, but soon after examinations it was proven true. The thing with you was that your fall behind was expected even by you, so you just chose not to receive any plans of anything happening but direct immediate orders in case of capture.  
This was due to your heart condition, it was severely out of rhythm and the doctor frowned the whole exam, you shouldn't have lived. But you have. You have lived, Zeke even decided you might be useful and just let you live.

Reiner was conflicted with the whole situation. Shouldering such huge amount of guilt from the moment you didn't look at him with vitriol, the fact he certainly felt nostalgia and a pang of affection bringing up completely different and traitorous kind of guilt. He didn't know how to treat you.  
Despite the fact of his deeds against you and those you loved, you still tried to be friendly with him, you never taken it against him. Even if you felt anything you kept it for yourself. Reiner even had a nervous lash out at you, unsure at why are you taking this situation so lightly and you just told him that you had no strength in you to hate at that very moment or the ones afterwards. 

You were given an empty room close to his, so he can keep an eye on you and so you became daily part of his life again. Every kindness towards him (of which were a lot) reminded him of how much you wept your guts out for everyone close to you dying in a war without a real winner.

He did not get you, you came here to support a war declaration, yet you acted like that never happened, attitude light. You trailed them wherever you were permitted to enter and how much your body allowed you. 

The more days passed the more he was aware why you said those things. You were tired. They let you come and involve yourself in this hell because you counted you'd die. This whole time you, of all people counted on dying. With some messy, yet albeit somewhat honorable way a soldier could possibly die.  
He has seen misery seep in you on days when weather strained your heart even more than it was already, you'd hole up to your room and not leave. For someone who loved using every moment out there to feel sun, wind or rain in all of his memories, these new ones he was creating were startling. 

In a way in your pain and change he could see himself, the guilt he felt over that was immense. He felt undeserving of comparation even though his own misery has made him want to die and changed him.

From jokes that slowly won over everyone in the warrior squad and made their hostility vanish to days he would come into dark of your room just to find you propped against a wall, finally sleeping . Food on the side dented just a bit and evaporated tea leaving a stain in the bottom of the cup.  
He was scared when he will come in and just find you cold and unresponsive. He has killed so much people, but you just brought some familiarity into this place where he to this day felt alienated in. To feel alone again...

Your state had highs and lows and when on one nice mild day, with pleasant sun and just a light breeze you asked if you could have a ride and he passed it through as a request you were granted and Reiner was your company for the day. 

Seeing you on a horse was such a strong sight, you carried yourself with more comfort you would have on your own legs, the collected animal was bustling with health while you were a shadow of yourself with the body you were in, but he could see your eyes glinting with deep youthful satisfaction. 

You walked towards the outskirts of Marley, into the fields at a slow pace and by god, were you chatty and full of smiles reaching way up to your eyes. You brought up memories when you both were in the suburban parts without ears to hear. Reiners leg would brush yours as you stuck closely to him, horses walking in tandem.  
He granted you chuckles and honest smiles, he felt carefree for the first time in long time. Just for a second on a mission to make your day better. You let him in on a lot of your actual feelings and everything felt reminiscent and bittersweet. 

With tilting your head back and closing your eyes while Sun peppered your face and eyelids with gentle kisses did you exclaim that this is one of the prettiest days you have seen ever, what a bold statement.

Reiner can't help but smile, realizing just how much you despite in the circumstances you are in, with a body that is making you feel every change of this very Earth in your bones and his deeds and misdeeds made him feel at ease. 

With you here he felt less out of place, when you'd have energy you'd tuck by him for dinner time and you'd chat lightly. He felt seen and understood. He finally felt like he had some semblance of normalcy. Some temporal resolve of guilt only because your eyes didn't look at him with militant purpose or like a traitor or like a broken man or like a liability. You just looked at him like Reiner as he is. Even with his suffocating depression and nightmares you'd gently work you way in and ground him, pulling out some of the feverishness, but respecting the fact he is the way he is and not giving him pity. 

When you reached the open fields, lush with green shades and splattered with other colours displayed by meadow flowers you stopped your horse with a gentle hand and with some mischief in your eyes suggested a race down to the stream ahead that you've spotted, but Reiner didn't take it as lightly as you have. If you fell it would certainly injure you heavily and the strain might tire you deeply. 

You have seen it in his frown and you told him not to be foolish, since you were born you were in the saddle, it would be asinine if you got hurt. He protested, but before he could say anything you have set off, gaining speed as wind whipped your hair. Reiner took after you evening out with your horse and just as he came close, hand shooting off to grab your reins, you sped into a break neck gallop.  
He could swear the beat of the hooves mimicked his own heart as he saw you gain distance and midway to the stream just go limp. Dread he felt in that moment echoed so clearly it rolled over every single crack in him. 

Your horse attentive to you slowed down, making your body bob as you fell forwards. Before the animal could spook he trotted near and jumped off, grabbing the animal in a manner it wouldn't spook. He pulled you off the horse, your body heavier now that it was unresponsive, yet eerily light at the same time. Dread overcame him as he laid you down and checked your pulse for there was nothing. Absolutely nothing.

He tried revival, he tried so long he thinks he broke your rib or few and your body already cooled. 

Reiner simply stood up, collected both of your horses and took off a blanket he packed by his saddle for afternoon rest he planned in the sun before return and used it to cover your peaceful face when he loaded you on the back of your horse. He tied you with rough rope you won't feel, covered with rough wool blanket that he never understood how you loved and began his funeral march home. 

His face etched with that painful frown, eyes pretending not to see glances he got as he returned into civilization. You were born in a saddle and you died in one and he honestly realized that you probably knew what will happen. The deadweight on the horse next to him felt foreign, it didn't feel like you. All he could see is memories of some other life with you playing in front of his eyes. 

He doesn't know when he got to the base, he doesn't remember the trip, all he knows the evening has just come and that when Colt asked him what happened because he saw the other horse but not you hidden on it's back limp as a sack that the realization came back, packing a punch. You died. You were gone, your heart finally ended it's tirade. 

He paid for your funeral processing, the grief between the warriors and some soldiers was evident, but his dinners never felt emptier. What especially would hurt when he would forget and find himself checking up on you if you have eaten just to find your room untouched and the cup you used that day just as you left it. 

He felt so alone and you'd haunt his thoughts eerily, cheeky and in youthful plumpness, strangely he had issues connecting you to the way you were in his memories. I guess your attitude was the culprit of such image. 

Reiner would often think where and if you did go somewhere where did you go. Did you see your beloved commander he aided in sending there before you or Petra who gave you such soft and tender smiles? Will Marco and you get to exchange those warm smiles you used to share when he'd listen to your ramblings and you were thankful he did?

Will you see Bertholdt or was Bertholdt in a different place? Or did you fade into absolute nothing. As he will.

He doesn't know what he hoped for, he just knew he wished you would have lived a bit longer, he didn't have much time himself. He just felt selfishly lonely and painfully guilty. Bitterness overtaking him stronger than ever.  
Reiner for the first time wished there is something after death and that that something was you. 

Eternity with you didn't seem lonely.

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this at 3am


End file.
